Ladies, today I’m gonna touch on a subject that we all struggle with: weight loss. Whether you’re trying to shed a few pounds to fit into unrealistic societal paradigms or shed literally every ounce of body fat so you can contort your way out of prison cells like Cat Woman, we all have one common enemy.
That fucking Keebler Elf.
Don’t waste your time buying all-purpose elf/leprechaun traps off of eBay. Take it from me, girls, all you’re gonna catch is the family hamster and a hysterical child.
Sadly, the never-ending journey to reach our birthweight does not end at a snake oil salesman. That shit has way too many carbs. I personally have begun a fantastic diet that’s lost me a lot of weight so far, and I’m happy to share it with you all. I just follow these three simple rules:
Eat nothing that casts a shadow. This may seem simple enough, but you’d be surprised to find that basically everything solid or liquid casts some sort of shadow. Physics, who knew?
When you’re about to faint… eat an ice chip. Yep, it’s true what they say about cheat days. Or as we say in this diet, chip days. They really can “trick” your system into losing more!
Breathe. Air doesn’t cast a shadow, so it’s a free-for-all on those mouthfuls!
This day marks my 15th day on the shadow diet. It’s been a rough two weeks, but well worth it. I sleep a lot more now due to the lack of energy, but sleep is better than ever because all I dream about is grocery store cake and buttered toast.
The first issue we’re going to tackle here on Cosmocharlatan is one that we get a lot of complaints about – unwanted facial hair! Now we all know that it is completely unacceptable to have any hair on your face below the eyelashes and all brow hair must remain within the Designated Brow Zone (TM), lest you be outed as the horrendous she-yeti that you became the second you hit puberty.
My guess is that you’ve tried waxing, shaving and plucking, only to find yourself scorched, shredded and bumpier than an aged butterball turkey. So what to do? What’s the most innovative way to alter your natural face to look more like a real woman? Ok friends, get ready for this:
FROM FREAK TO CHIC
Get a hold of the skin around your jaw – we’ll call this the ‘gobble’ – and grasp it firmly with your fingernails digging into the dermis.
Pull sharply upward until you feel your face start to dislodge. Don’t get squeamish now, beauty is pain!
Fully remove your face and scalp until you are just a skull with eyes. [NOTE: It’s preferable to leave a bit of muscle tissue at this stage.]
Soak your new head in a basin of gasoline or other highly flammable liquid.
Light a match and watch the boys go wild! We call this one Ghost Rider Glam!