Tag Archive | eldritch

A Good Catch

People often ask me, “Shelby, how can I catch the perfect man?” Well ladies, that is not an unreasonable question, but it is a loaded one. Here at Cosmocharlatan, I will often throw out different methods to attract – and thus ensnare – a man. Hopefully he will be a sufficient specimen, if not absolutely perfect. But in the following article, I’m going to try to give you a more generalized outline of how to get a “good catch” so we know in which direction we’re headed.

First of all, try to consider just what a perfect man entails. Maybe you plan on having him taxidermied, in which case you must consider whether you want a larger specimen to make a powerful statement in the den or a more modest one to pose merrily and hold your guests’ coats at the door. Perhaps you have a collection of stuffed men dispersed throughout your house, in which case are you looking for the crown jewel of your collection, or just the right piece to finish off a series?

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If you are looking to keep him alive (perhaps as a pet), one must again consider the girth of the man. A large one can serve as a mattress for the higher-ranking pets of the house, such as cats, whereas a small one can more comfortably occupy a smaller space on the couch or foot of the bed to better leave your cats undisturbed. And although the larger ones can be groomed to ward off predators – such as other men – you must be aware of the cost of food and regular medical check-ups to keep him in working order.

Now then, how to catch the “perfect man.” Naturally, whether you want to domesticate him or display him in the bathroom, you don’t want too much damage to the hide. It will be expensive to fix and sometimes not fixable at all. This generally rules out useful tools like bear traps and land mines. Immobilizing, yes, but with lasting damage to the pelt. I would suggest using a trap-and-snare technique, which I will touch on a bit for our less experienced single ladies out there.

We’ll start by putting out a personal ad. I recommend using an online dating site that is free and comes in an app form. The more informal the ad, the more men you will attract. Don’t get too choosey with your wording or grammar – the male species is attracted to the scent of desperation that is given off by a hastily-written add slapped together on a phone.

Next, based on your responses, you’ll want to find out what this particular breed is most attracted to – power, money, etc. Lay the trap in the meeting place specified in your ad, and once you have a trap of the appropriate fortitude and the bait laid inside, get yourself out of sight and wait silently. As with any relationship, patience is key. In no time at all, you will likely have men of all shapes and sizes sniffing around the bait. Wait until your desired creature is well within the trap and activate. Once ensnared, have him heavily drugged to avoid those awful outbursts that come with male confusion. I recommend using a blow-dart full of sedatives to give you a decent range (see my Shelby’s Handbag Essentials article for more details).

Now that you have your satisfactory prey ensnared, get creative! See how many things you can teach it or what ways you can pose it for display. And above all, enjoy!

Love the Skin You’re in – or Leave it

The first issue we’re going to tackle here on Cosmocharlatan is one that we get a lot of complaints about – unwanted facial hair! Now we all know that it is completely unacceptable to have any hair on your face below the eyelashes and all brow hair must remain within the Designated Brow Zone (TM), lest you be outed as the horrendous she-yeti that you became the second you hit puberty.

My guess is that you’ve tried waxing, shaving and plucking, only to find yourself scorched, shredded and bumpier than an aged butterball turkey. So what to do? What’s the most innovative way to alter your natural face to look more like a real woman? Ok friends, get ready for this:

FROM FREAK TO CHIC

ghostrider

  1. Get a hold of the skin around your jaw – we’ll call this the ‘gobble’ – and grasp it firmly with your fingernails digging into the dermis.
  2. Pull sharply upward until you feel your face start to dislodge. Don’t get squeamish now, beauty is pain!
  3. Fully remove your face and scalp until you are just a skull with eyes. [NOTE: It’s preferable to leave a bit of muscle tissue at this stage.]
  4. Soak your new head in a basin of gasoline or other highly flammable liquid.
  5. Light a match and watch the boys go wild! We call this one Ghost Rider Glam!