Tag Archive | beauty

Make this House a Home

Some of you ladies read my bouquet article and thought to yourselves, Self, this bouquet is literally genius, but my house needs a touch of drama!

Well girls, this one’s for you.

If you find that despite following the gospel of Our Lady Martha Stewart, despite spacing every towel in the linen closet at least two inches apart to allow airflow and despite arranging your living room into perfect clusters of Louis XVI chair-sofa-chair, despite coordinating every pillow, doily and flake of drywall to fit into a professional triadic scheme, your home still reeks of being occupied by organic human bodies, I have just the thing.

What you need is attitude. Passion. Flare. Flame. Inferno.

It is easy to feel overwhelmed by choices when coordinating the ideal house fire. You’ll find more than everything you need in the housewares section at Bed, Bath and Beyond. They have kerosene, lighter fluid, gasoline (if you’re a bit old-fashioned). You’ll find flammable rags next to the dinner napkins and wine glasses with the wine glasses to make a chic, classy molotov. Of course, some people find charm in a more Little House on the Prairie look, in which case you can find gingham cloth and mason jars at Joann’s Fabrics. Or the southern states. Or really anywhere you hear someone being referred to as “uncle dad.”

You may find it tempting to section off an area of your home and put some sort of flame retardant substance around to make sure the fire burns only where you want it to, but the most charming thing about a house fire is the absolute lack of control. The unpredictability. Let that fire consume your home. Your doilies, your drapes. Let it jump from chair to sofa to chair and eat the hand-embroidered upholstery the way you wish you could eat bread.

Light those matches, throw those molotovs, sit back, and have yourself a ball while the house decorates itself. I personally guarantee you’ll be on the front page. Not of Architectural Digest, but surely something. 

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Love the Skin You’re in – or Leave it

The first issue we’re going to tackle here on Cosmocharlatan is one that we get a lot of complaints about – unwanted facial hair! Now we all know that it is completely unacceptable to have any hair on your face below the eyelashes and all brow hair must remain within the Designated Brow Zone (TM), lest you be outed as the horrendous she-yeti that you became the second you hit puberty.

My guess is that you’ve tried waxing, shaving and plucking, only to find yourself scorched, shredded and bumpier than an aged butterball turkey. So what to do? What’s the most innovative way to alter your natural face to look more like a real woman? Ok friends, get ready for this:

FROM FREAK TO CHIC

ghostrider

  1. Get a hold of the skin around your jaw – we’ll call this the ‘gobble’ – and grasp it firmly with your fingernails digging into the dermis.
  2. Pull sharply upward until you feel your face start to dislodge. Don’t get squeamish now, beauty is pain!
  3. Fully remove your face and scalp until you are just a skull with eyes. [NOTE: It’s preferable to leave a bit of muscle tissue at this stage.]
  4. Soak your new head in a basin of gasoline or other highly flammable liquid.
  5. Light a match and watch the boys go wild! We call this one Ghost Rider Glam!