Slim Down for Summer

Ladies, today I’m gonna touch on a subject that we all struggle with: weight loss. Whether you’re trying to shed a few pounds to fit into unrealistic societal paradigms or shed literally every ounce of body fat so you can contort your way out of prison cells like Cat Woman, we all have one common enemy.

That fucking Keebler Elf.

Don’t waste your time buying all-purpose elf/leprechaun traps off of eBay. Take it from me, girls, all you’re gonna catch is the family hamster and a hysterical child.

Sadly,  the never-ending journey to reach our birthweight does not end at a snake oil salesman. That shit has way too many carbs. I personally have begun a fantastic diet that’s lost me a lot of weight so far, and I’m happy to share it with you all. I just follow these three simple rules:

  1. Eat nothing that casts a shadow. This may seem simple enough, but you’d be surprised to find that basically everything solid or liquid casts some sort of shadow. Physics, who knew?
  2. When you’re about to faint… eat an ice chip. Yep, it’s true what they say about cheat days. Or as we say in this diet, chip days. They really can “trick” your system into losing more!
  3. Breathe. Air doesn’t cast a shadow, so it’s a free-for-all on those mouthfuls!

This day marks my 15th day on the shadow diet. It’s been a rough two weeks, but well worth it. I sleep a lot more now due to the lack of energy, but sleep is better than ever because all I dream about is grocery store cake and buttered toast.

Best of luck shedding those pounds!