Love the Skin You’re in – or Leave it

The first issue we’re going to tackle here on Cosmocharlatan is one that we get a lot of complaints about – unwanted facial hair! Now we all know that it is completely unacceptable to have any hair on your face below the eyelashes and all brow hair must remain within the Designated Brow Zone (TM), lest you be outed as the horrendous she-yeti that you became the second you hit puberty.

My guess is that you’ve tried waxing, shaving and plucking, only to find yourself scorched, shredded and bumpier than an aged butterball turkey. So what to do? What’s the most innovative way to alter your natural face to look more like a real woman? Ok friends, get ready for this:

FROM FREAK TO CHIC

ghostrider

  1. Get a hold of the skin around your jaw – we’ll call this the ‘gobble’ – and grasp it firmly with your fingernails digging into the dermis.
  2. Pull sharply upward until you feel your face start to dislodge. Don’t get squeamish now, beauty is pain!
  3. Fully remove your face and scalp until you are just a skull with eyes. [NOTE: It’s preferable to leave a bit of muscle tissue at this stage.]
  4. Soak your new head in a basin of gasoline or other highly flammable liquid.
  5. Light a match and watch the boys go wild! We call this one Ghost Rider Glam!
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